The Autobiography of Steven McIntire Allen

the applicant

Wed, 04 Mar 2026 06:05:28 -0800

CEO So. I went to Seattle.

CFO Did you meet Bozo?

CEO DO NOT CALL HIM THAT.

At least twice, I started to say Mr. Bozo and caught myself.

CFO Sorry, so what did he say?

CEO He said The Child might visit.

CFO Omg.

COO I don't think we should use that word either.

CFO Good point. From now on, whenever we're tempted to say God, let's say doG. Or Dog. Either one. I think. Maybe.

CIO Shut up. I'm still recovering from the time you suggested we should try to automate the incab toilet to wipe

CFO Washlet.

CIO Whatever.

CEO Could we please just focus?

CMO Exactly. Yes. Focus. Omg. Wait 'til I tell my husband.

COO I was serious. We ought to stop using that word.

CMO Yes, right. Sorry, I mean correct, spouse.

COO No,

[CHRO opens door]

CTO Does your husband know?

COO I meant dOg.

[CHRO & CSO walk in.]

CHRO No what?

CFO What are you talking about?

[CSO closes door.]

CTO That their nephew is visiting.

CSO & he said?

CHRO Her husband's?

CMO Yes, exactly. He said no.

CEO Focus!

CSO Let's focus on the next ad rollout.

COO Good point. Which one of you ladies is doing the Keynote?

[CBDO opens door, CISO enters, CBDO enters & closes door.]

CBDO Excuse me for interrupting, have any of you heard of this attorney wishing to get her CDL?

CFO Nooo, really? No, none of us know anything about that.

CISO The CFO did just suggest yesterday that we get an office dog.

CFO Yes, I did. What does everyone think if we call IT Jesus?

CIO Male or female?

CFO I've investigated getting a hermaphradite Black Labrador. There's a breeder in Georgia that specializes in hermetic Black Labradors.

CSO I think you mean hermaphroditism.

CMO Hermaphroditic.

CHRO Jesus? I'm pretty sure the...Read More

Brittany!

Fri, 06 Mar 2026 13:17:20 -0800

This Pork's

for you...and your friend. I'll ask Inglebert if he can tag team.

turnin'

Fri, 06 Mar 2026 12:29:22 -0800

in2

apparently

Fri, 06 Mar 2026 11:06:35 -0800

Dictionary

Definitions from Oxford Languages · Learn more

ve·ron·i·ca

/vəˈränəkə/

PLEASE show him the door.

Fri, 06 Mar 2026 10:11:43 -0800

al roll

Fri, 06 Mar 2026 10:04:42 -0800

What sort of monarch

Fri, 06 Mar 2026 09:21:31 -0800

the Kiwi

Fri, 06 Mar 2026 08:47:01 -0800

If this pilot had not had a union rep, who would have suffered?

Why can pilots have a union rep and Amazon workers can't? Krakfone anyone?

How did Atty. Whittaker do it? Mind over matter.

HE LIED!

Fri, 06 Mar 2026 08:13:31 -0800

Early 1998. O, I'm a big boy now. Got my first serious legal gig. Staff attorney to the American General Counsel of some crappy little slanty eyed software company.

So we're sitting at the Westwood version of Robert DeNiro's rent boy's restaurant. All of us. Head of HR, my boss, plenty of little slanty eyed devils I'd buggered the B-Jesus out of for years, some white folks, and, this being 1990s California, I think they might have had a Negroid.

One or more of the homosexuals (not easily discernible in California) went outside for a smoke. We joined them. Stood under a fairly young sapling near the curb. Engaged in small talk. Retuned, we returned to the table to enjoy what arguably was the best raw fish devoured east of the Pacific that evening. Perhaps there was alcohol.

HR asks me if I smoke. I said "No". If she'd had a penis, she would have gotten an erection. She might have repeated my words, such as "You don't smoke?" I replied no.

IT LIED TWICE.

She was severely chuffed. Proud as a new mama. She had smelled my duplicity on the right (left if you're Australian) coast of America.

At the time I smoked socially, about one or two a day. Back in the day, if someone pulled their's out, and offered me a fag, I was as likely as not to put it in my mouth. Hole. For more than a score, I've wondered if she thinks she won.

glic gloc

Fri, 06 Mar 2026 07:16:52 -0800